MPVISIONS INTO WORDS, WRITTEN FOR YOUR EYES 12-22-21

 I have a massive migraine. I have a can of coke and excedrin. softly touching the keys on this laptop on what to really say in this. what I feel, where I fell and where I began to climb up. 18 yrs old seems so long ago but inside I feel it visit me every day at a certain point. collaborations then felt easier to approach and accomplish then. Perhaps my own insecurities. Confidence built up but there was always a drop. beautiful eyes in my lens looking back at me. From good to some I felt I could of done better. I remember during then her voice saying, "you're a horrible photographer."  If feels pretty close so I am keeping that quote. You would feel that words like that would fade over time but sometimes words stick because you want to use back at them in some way. You know you won't though. Anyway quick sip of my can of coke and listening to night at work instrumentals on utube. So this is blog of feelings. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to this platform for anyone to throw an opinion or relate to. 

Where was I... oh yeah I am a photographer or so they label it. I see myself as an Artist. I just happen to be in love with the camera. I love capturing faces, taking portraits now more than ever. I remember when I was younger and living in the city I would put on my headphones and walk down the sidewalks Boston as if I were in a movie. I'd be staring, looking at all the possibilities of working/collaborating with so many faces, bodies and building a super portfolio. During then I was shy like any young unexperienced human. I was also daring too and if that doesn't make sense to you then I really don't know how else to explain it. 

The funny part of this beginning was I loved painting and that is what I was focused on during then at the Art Institute of Boston. I painted large on 60x72 canvas. I worked with mediums that were raw and not materials from your typical art stores around anywhere really.  I chose roofing tar, rust particles, broken glass, clay and other substances that I felt could be used as a layer. Tar came from a fellow student who was a grade higher up from me. He did an installation of bloated decayed bodies using clay and tar with a thinner that made them appear draining. The installation was quite powerful and sick, but also really beautiful. I can't remember his name for the life of me but he was the one who said to me tar was a very strong medium and fun to work with. By using paint thinner or any thinner the tar would bleed creating beautiful tones of browns and almost reds. Tar became my main medium. The only paint I used rarely was oil paints. I like the way I could make it bleed when I applied the thinner. I made a lot of paintings then. 

The camera became serious as I found myself always photographing at parties and always wanting to do group photos of the ones close to me. I loved the way each one dressed to express their own style of individuality. It was true and to nothing ever was hidden from that. So much confidence in each of them and how they felt happy to be part of something I was envisioning. I did a lot of themed shoots in the early days. They were dark and pretty depressing. It was where my head was at and heart. Nudes came at a later date. 

Nudes were of course of interest but not too much of a push. First steps of that were starting off with implied and also I was still learning and wanting to express a theme and story.  As nudes made the way forward I was placing them in abandoned locations. Old locations and decayed. Placing beautiful in an atmosphere that was not. I liked having that contrast. I can remember one shot I did with a close friend in an abandoned church. I had her lay straight stretching her body in front of the window on the old wood floor. That shot made see how beautiful an abandoned location was. From that point every location to me I saw as this rich masterpiece and placing a nude body inside or outside was the final touch. This beautiful curved form just in the middle of any pile of rubble and urban decay. All of it together was beautiful. 

Later on I found myself inspired by other photographers who would take their female models and they would place them in areas covered in graffiti atmospheres. The women would have on louder make-up and they would be misted with water to make their bodies glossy. High heels or leggings to create a theme of what is known today as glamour nudes and even sometimes loud erotica intent with open leg and back shots with open leg. Their eyes looking back at the camera expressing a feeling of sex or not giving a fuck that you see me. I loved it and so I did my own versions of it which later on led me to feeling lost in a mess. In short I circled back and mixed the two together by limited make-up and creating a softer tone which made it sensual. I felt I was on the line of erotica so sensual to me was ok. 

Quick sip of my coke. Christmas old school bulbs glowing warm. 10:24am and I feel ok. Head is not so in pain. A moment of missing the early days but glad I experienced them. I am 42 and the camera has been with me for quite some time and I don't ever plan on stopping. We may have all these social media platforms and apps for these smaller computers aka as out phones. The cameras on them are incredible. As much as we take out selfies or as one comedian said once "taking a lonely," there will always be that want for a camera. I feel anyone would agree that sitting or standing in any atmosphere with someone directing you with an intent to make you look a certain way is exciting. It is exciting for both parties which falls into the simple word called a collaboration. Two human souls connecting and working together and placing your trust in each of u to make a moment, a vision come to life through the snap of a camera. A point of time captured. I love it.